Monday, June 15, 2009

Finnegan Begin Again

So, here I am months after my last public post... a completely different person. A lot of amazing things have happened to me these past few months... life changing, powerfully erupting, painful things, but here I am through it all.

To quote Godsmack... "I Stand Alone."

Now don't misunderstand me, I know I have my son, Nicolas, and of course God, and my family... but in the end, I have realized that no truer words have been spoken. I stand alone.

There are depths of my heart and soul I never knew existed before the last few months, and honestly I am not sure what to do with them. I do know that like most everything else, they will slowly fade and die if I do not do something with them. So here lies the task... find myself... the new me... without letting that me inside fade away and die, like it has before.

Things are scary when you feel like you have nothing left to live for... like the world would be better without you. I guess I can't really explain it. It's an empty and consuming feeling. It wraps itself around you and never seems to let go. I would say that smothering is a good word to describe it... it's like being smothered in sadness. Nothing seems to relieve it. It brought me to the point of disaster before I finally snapped out of it.

In a way I never want to forget how that felt. Hating myself. Hating my life. Hating who I had become. I never want to forget it, because it motivates me now. I never want to see another person go through this, especially not my son. I don't know how those who were close to me watched and wondered as I crept through my days. The concern and fear they had scared both them and me.

This all brings me to where I am now. Phase 2, as I called it on my facebook profile. Phase 2 began a few weeks back, when I changed. I woke up that day and thought for the very first time in a long time... I don't want to die today. That felt good. It still does.

I don't know who I am... losing people you have known for more than half your life will do that, but I am learning. I like me. I have things I need to change, of course, who doesn't, but I like me. That's a huge thing to say for me. Maybe you'll never quite understand it, but it is huge.

I never knew 7 months could be so long... yet so short...