Finnegan Begin Again

So, here I am months after my last public post... a completely different person. A lot of amazing things have happened to me these past few months... life changing, powerfully erupting, painful things, but here I am through it all.

To quote Godsmack... "I Stand Alone."

Now don't misunderstand me, I know I have my son, Nicolas, and of course God, and my family... but in the end, I have realized that no truer words have been spoken. I stand alone.

There are depths of my heart and soul I never knew existed before the last few months, and honestly I am not sure what to do with them. I do know that like most everything else, they will slowly fade and die if I do not do something with them. So here lies the task... find myself... the new me... without letting that me inside fade away and die, like it has before.

Things are scary when you feel like you have nothing left to live for... like the world would be better without you. I guess I can't really explain it. It's an empty and consuming feeling. It wraps itself around you and never seems to let go. I would say that smothering is a good word to describe it... it's like being smothered in sadness. Nothing seems to relieve it. It brought me to the point of disaster before I finally snapped out of it.

In a way I never want to forget how that felt. Hating myself. Hating my life. Hating who I had become. I never want to forget it, because it motivates me now. I never want to see another person go through this, especially not my son. I don't know how those who were close to me watched and wondered as I crept through my days. The concern and fear they had scared both them and me.

This all brings me to where I am now. Phase 2, as I called it on my facebook profile. Phase 2 began a few weeks back, when I changed. I woke up that day and thought for the very first time in a long time... I don't want to die today. That felt good. It still does.

I don't know who I am... losing people you have known for more than half your life will do that, but I am learning. I like me. I have things I need to change, of course, who doesn't, but I like me. That's a huge thing to say for me. Maybe you'll never quite understand it, but it is huge.

I never knew 7 months could be so long... yet so short...

Nothing new under the sun

After a month of not posting I find myself trapped in a little bubble again. I find no motivation in my day to day activities.... I find it harder and harder to exercise and eat right.... it's like with no outlet, I just turn inward again, into that little fellow who doesn't want to be seen by anyone.

The other day I was talking to my wife via IM and I realized that I felt trapped, like I just wanted to crawl into a little ball and lay on the floor under my desk and cry. It's not like depression, I have been down that road before, depression is different. It's more debilitating, more wreck less, more.... dangerous. This feeling is different, it's like you have all these thoughts and wants and hopes and dreams, but you just can't get them out.

I found myself reading articles on blogger's block (think "writer's block"), which I believe does exist. It is an uncanny inability to talk about anything because your mind is wondering too much to focus on anything.

This morning, actually just moments ago, I decided I am just going to open blogger and type whatever comes to my mind. This outlet of ideas and thoughts is what I need. I can feel myself rising above the stress I had put myself in. I feel better already.

My friend and I have been discussing the state of America lately, from politics to economics, to foreign policy. We happen to have very similar ideas on the topic which help make the conversations flow peacefully. It is very easy to get down in times like these. Nothing seems stable. Every morning you wonder if your job will be there for you when you arrive, or if it's even worth going to if the whole thing is going to collapse as some experts say. I have come to a realization though, no matter what happens, you cannot give up.

Our country was founded by educated and wise men, who designed it to be a self checking and self realizing nation. We have the ability to protect our rights and repeal things like the patriot act and other such rights infringing laws. The was a great disparity amongst our forefathers about even having a "Bill of Rights" because they feared it would become a limited exclusive list of rights a citizen has, rather than a list of God-given rights every man should have. They feared that taking the focus off of the Federal Government and putting it on the people innately limited their rights. You see the federal government is not supposed to be this powerful "big brother" overlord like it is today, but I digress...

My point is we cannot give up. The bible says that God will not give us more than we can handle, and it also says that all things will work together for good, for those who love the Lord. If these thoughts don't apply to these times (and probably every "time" since "time" began), than what does? We cannot quit our jobs and pull all of our money out of the banks. We need to keep the cogs turning, keep the money flowing and moving. Without activity and productivity we have nothing. Obviously be wise with your money, don't stretch yourself too thin as we Americans are prone to do, but instead save, buy what you need. Be more economical in everything you do.

No matter how bad things seem, there is nothing new under the sun, we have to believe that and we have to act like we believe it as well.